


Sometimes

by Recoveringgleek36



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Asexual Louis Tomlinson, Asexuality, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29337012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recoveringgleek36/pseuds/Recoveringgleek36
Summary: Sometimes Louis really wonders why he bothers trying so hard when failure is inevitable.Sometimes he wonders why anything is worth it.Sometimes he questions whether his sexuality means he was destined to be a bit sad and alone.But sometimes someone comes along and shows just enough love and care to make things a little brighter.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 5





	Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: This story is deeply, deeply personal for me. In some ways it’s my last couple of years written down in a story. 
> 
> I struggle regularly with my asexuality. 
> 
> This is my very first big story project and foray into this fandom. I hope I’ve done it justice. I hope I’ve done well for my fellow aces. 
> 
> This story is also partly inspired by a fic called Ace by aclosetlarryshipper. I read that fic more than five years ago when I first started to like One Direction music and I was going through a particularly rough patch of self-acceptance. The wonders that fic did for me is just.. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put it into words. 
> 
> That story is unfortunately gone, no longer available on the inter webs from what I’ve been able to find. 
> 
> So when I couldn’t find it anymore I decided to write this. I needed to get the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing down on paper so here it is. 
> 
> Here’s a big piece of my heart and my head. Here’s a big piece of me.

Louis sighs heavily when he feels the insistent nudging of his cat at his head.

Despite it being mid-September, it’s still dark outside, which means the tabby cat has decided to wake him up extra early for breakfast. It’s a new habit Xander has picked up and Louis absolutely loathes it. He lightly pushes the cat away but Xander just uses that as a reason to make another lap around Louis’ body and to the other side of his face.

The chunky cat meows loudly in his ear, demanding his human move and feed him. They play this game — Louis pushing Xander away and Xander walking around the bed only to stop and scream in Louis’s face — for another five minutes before Louis finally starts searching blindly for his phone.

He squints at the brightness of his screen when he turns it on, quietly reminding himself to take off the auto-brightness setting when he’s more awake later. He grumbles at the time. It’s 3:45 a.m. With a heavy groan and one last nudge from Xander, Louis finally makes a move to sit up and get out of bed. Clearly happy Louis was finally up and moving, Xander jumps out of bed with a large thud and starts the short walk to the food bowls. Louis fumbles his way to the upper cupboard where he keeps the cat food, if he doesn’t keep it in the tall cupboard above the oven then one of the cats is sure to get into it and cause a big mess. He takes a scoop of the food and splits it into the two cat bowls that read “I’m hungry” at the bottom, Louis chuckles when he can barely read the words though, and not just because it’s dark but because there’s still leftover dinner from last night for the cats.

He rolls his eyes as Xander moves in, quickly gobbling up a few bites, pleased that he won the early morning battle.

“Alright now you better leave some for your brother. He’ll be all jealous if you don’t,” Louis says in a raspy, morning voice as he looks over at where his other tabby cat named Milo is sleeping on the couch.

Milo doesn’t care too much about when he eats and tends to eat smaller portions than Xander, yet some how he weighs a pound more. Louis is convinced the extra pound is from all the fur Milo has. He’s fluffier than Xander and has much softer features than his older brother, but Louis loves both cats just the same. He quietly pets each cat and then sighs, checking the time again.

It’s 3:50 a.m. now and Louis knows he should go back to sleep, he has to be at work in four hours. He hasn’t been getting nearly enough sleep recently. Between the late night writing sessions and his loud next door neighbors (and not to mention the constant thoughts turning over in his head), Louis estimates he’s getting about four hours of sleep a night since the beginning of July. It’s wearing him down a little, making him less productive at work and a worse cat dad to Xander and Milo. He knows all of that, knows the sleep his body longs for would help, but instead he just sighs and grabs a cigarette and his lighter and steps out onto his balcony.

He lights the end and takes the opposite side into his mouth before sucking in the nicotine and then breathing out the smoke. Louis hates himself for doing this, he hates that it’s become more of a habit instead of just something he does on occasion.

It used to be a sometimes thing, but now it’s an oftentimes thing. And Louis hates that he’s added it to the oftentimes list.

Smoking was supposed to be a nevertimes thing, Louis told himself about a year ago. Cigarettes are terrible for his health, he knows that, he’s not stupid. But his buddy Liam told him once that he used an occasional cigarette to calm down on particularly stressful days and so about a year and half ago, on a particularly stressful day at the office Louis bummed a smoke off of him and as it so happened, it worked. (Other than the wheezing and lightheadedness, of course.) Somehow a cigarette every couple months turned into one a month and then to one a week and now Louis is up to nearly one a day, two on the particularly bad days.

So, Louis adds smoking to the oftentimes list.

The oftentimes list is getting longer, he knows and it scares him a little. But Louis chooses to ignore it today, pretends that he doesn’t have the lists on his phone. He pretends that he shouldn’t add other habits or thoughts to the oftentimes list. After all, if he pretends the problems aren’t real they’ll go away anyway, right?

Louis nods to himself and takes another drag, listening to the wind quietly rustle through the trees in the yard across from his flat. He closes his eyes as he stands outside, shivering slightly from the cold. It might be mid-September but it’s been cooler recently and Louis revels in that. He loves when it gets colder, waits for the nights in October and November when he can sit outside with a book in a sweatshirt as the wind whips the leaves. It’ll be that time before he knows it. Soon enough he’ll be able to hide away in his flat without his co-workers and “friends” (though he’s unsure if he actually has any of those) bugging him to go to the pub or to a party. He’s looking forward to the alone time.

After he finishes the cigarette, Louis stays outside for another ten minutes or so before he finally decides to go grab his laptop to work for a bit. He figures he can get a little research in for a story at this early hour while he’s not distracted by the other happenings in the office.

Louis is a reporter for a small magazine on the outskirts of London. It’s not the most glamorous job in the world and the pay is shit, evident by the tiny apartment he shares with his cats outside of London, but he loves it enough.

He loves meeting interesting people and writing about their lives. He loves uncovering a good story about some mishap in local government. He thrives off of beating the BBC on a juicy news tip. And for the most part, he loves his coworkers. (Well almost all of his coworkers, except for that Gabe kid who talks so loud on the phone sometimes that the front desk clerk can hear him in the next room.)

He loves the feeling he gets just before a big story drops the next day. It’s a nervous energy that keeps him up all night rechecking his facts again and again. It’s the kind of nervousness that makes him check ten times that he’s spelled someone’s name correctly and that they definitely said what he quoted them as. He loves the thrill of filing a breaking news story and getting it before anyone else. He thrives off of story stats and being at the top of his game.

Louis wants to be the top dog even when most of the time he knows he’s somewhere in the middle. He wants to be the best, even though he knows he’ll realistically never get there. He’ll never be the best reporter, the best at taking photos, the best at talking to people.

So even though he’s good, he knows he’s good, he’s not the best and that eats at him.

It’s not an unfamiliar feeling to him, being second best, being stuck in the middle. He should be used to it by now. He was never the top student in school, but he did well. He isn’t the most well put together person in the world, but he’s half decent. He’s far from the world’s greatest kid, but he cares a lot about his mum.

But the problem is, he isn’t the best. His best is never quite good enough in his mind, even if no one else has the balls to tell him to his face.

Louis knows he’ll never be the best and so sometimes he wonders why he bothers trying. He wonders what the point of life is if he’s not the best at something. He wonders what the point is of being in the middle if the middle just means keeping his head above the water most days.

Because most days Louis just feels like he’s treading water in life, barely keeping his head above the slow lapping waves. He wonders sometimes if it would just take a big wave to drown him.

He takes nearly zero chances in his life, knowing all too well that taking chances can put him into a situation he might not get through. Because taking a chance means a chance at failure and Louis just can’t deal with failure, not when he’s sure it’s inevitable.

He often plays it safe at work, not skirting by and saying no to big stories or big investigations, but letting someone else take the lead instead, so he doesn’t have to deal with his boss or some source screaming at him on the phone. The work he’s doing at work is still good and it’s risky enough, it matters enough even if he feels like his job is worthless and that he’s not taking enough chances.

Louis wants to take a chance sometimes but he just doesn’t know how. So if he doesn’t know how to take a chance -- in work or in life -- why does he have to bother with life at all because all he’s going to do is live life in the in between and living that way isn’t really living, he thinks sometimes.

Sometimes Louis wonders what the point of being alive is if he’s not actually living. But no one would ever catch him saying that thought out loud.

No one would ever catch him saying any of it out loud and it’s not like anyone would particularly care.

And even if they did and they questioned that very line of thinking, Louis knows he would say he’s not suicidal. That’s not how all of that works anyways he’s pretty sure. It’s just the thought of truly slipping away and having no one notice sounds nice.

But regardless, he doesn’t really have anyone that would particularly care if he did slip away, if he did die, even though selfishly, very, very selfishly, he wants someone to care. Louis wants a person, someone other than his mum, to himself, someone he could share all of those thoughts with or maybe to distract him from his thoughts, but wanting someone for himself just seems very, very selfish.

And besides, it’s not like he’s going to get a person anyways when he doesn’t actually put the effort in to make a move and then there’s the whole issue with his sexuality, or lack thereof.

Louis stores all of those thoughts away though. He pretends they don’t exist, that they won’t flare up during the middle of day again or later when he tries to go to sleep. He shoves them away for a night drive that’s inevitable this week and just gets to work.

\-----

It’s 7 a.m. by the time he finishes up researching the next person he’s profiling, some new Irish singer named Niall Horan. Louis hates that the guy is practically his age and sort of hates that the guy seems so full of himself, but sometimes that’s just the people he deals with.

He moves inside to start getting ready for work, opting to not take a morning shower since he took one the night before. So, he changes out of his sweats and into a pair of black skinny jeans and an oatmeal colored sweater that somehow hasn’t been covered in cat hair quite yet. His phone dings a short time later with a hiring announcement from his boss, Jack. The new photographer will be in later today. Some guy named Harry Styles.

He’s taking the place of their longtime photographer, Carrie, who knows basically everyone and everything about the outer reaches of London. She’s retiring after some 35 years in the journalism business and this Harry Styles guy, who appears to be just slightly younger than Louis, is taking her spot. Louis already knows it isn’t going to go well.

He rolls his eyes at the name.

“What kind of name is Harry Styles?” Louis scoffs to Milo who wanders over for a pet. “Seems like a fake name to me, My-my, and he’s got very little experience. So how is he supposed to become the new Carrie, just doesn’t seem right.”

Regardless of how Louis feels about the name or this guy’s experience level, Louis types up a congratulations email to Harry.

‘Congrats on the job, mate. Looking forward to working with you.  
-Louis’

He sends off the message and grabs his keys, giving the boys a quick pet before heading out for the day. He stops at the coffee shop to get a tea and a muffin and makes the drive into work, all the while thinking about how odd a name Harry Styles is.

—

Traffic be damned, Louis gets to work about ten minutes late, just as the daily morning meeting is getting started at the office. The group of five writers, editor and photographer meet every day just after 8 a.m. The meetings are typically pretty boring, mostly filled with updates on what everyone is working on and what their plans are for the next couple of days. It’s nothing spectacular or overly important, most days the writers come and go during the meeting as they set up interviews or finish up research. But Louis knows that today’s meeting is a little more involved than normal.

From the look Jack gives him, Louis has clearly just missed Harry’s entire introduction, probably all the normal first day on the job stuff, like where he’s from, where he went to school and how he got this job. It’s pretty standard stuff most times, so Louis doesn’t really feel like he’s missing out. Besides, he’s not really looking to befriend the guy anyways, especially if Louis’ plan to leave the magazine in the next few months works out. It’d be one fewer person to be sad about leaving.

The rest of the office is introducing themselves to Harry when Louis sneaks in the back of the office.

“And that perpetually ten minute late to every meeting ever fellow there is Louis,” Liam pipes in with a chuckle.

Louis rolls his eyes and makes himself part of the group, throwing an arm around Liam’s shoulders.

“Some of us work before work, Li. So, really I was very, very early today, just working on the road,” he laughs, shoving Liam lightly.

Liam shakes his head, also laughing. “Sorry we can’t all be Jack’s favorite around here. It’s truly an uphill climb for ya, Harry, but I think you might have a shot to take Louis down a few pegs.”

“Oi! You’ve known this boy no more than ten minutes, you can’t put those type of expectations on him already,” Louis smirks.

Jack just shakes his head fondly, rolling his eyes like he’s listened to Louis and Liam go back and forth a million times since the two started. And he has, he’s watched Liam and Louis scream at each other in the office over sentence placements and who is going to write which story and who gets the last slice of pizza.

But deep down everyone knows that Louis is Jack’s favorite. He always lets Louis pick his assignments first, always is a little more lenient with deadlines for Louis. Louis has become quite the stand out writer in the four years he’s worked for the magazine, even though in his head he knows he doesn’t deserve the praise. It’s something Louis is incredibly grateful for and most times quite humble about, unless Liam gets involved then it’s an ego war. But it’s all fun and games, give and take. Liam lets Louis take certain stories and Louis does the same for Liam. The two have become quite close friends while working together and so that always comes first for them.

Well, friends in the sense that they’ll sometimes grab a drink at the pub after work. Friends in the sense that Louis has met Liam’s girlfriend a few times. They’re friends in the sense that Liam’s watched Louis freak out, scream and yell about work one time a few months back.

Maybe they’re more of work friends than actual friends. Louis doesn’t have a ton of friends, friends and sometimes he finds himself wanting that, wanting more people in his life.

After a little more bickering Jack is shooing everyone out of his office.

“Get to work everyone and Louis, Liam, quit scaring Harry,” he says sternly but with a smirk on his face. “We can’t have you two spooking new employees again like you did to the last writer we hired. She lasted a whole two weeks.”

Louis and Liam immediately break into an argument about whose fault that was, but Jack is quite literally shoving them out of his office now and shutting the door in the process. The two keep bickering until —

“Umm sorry, but can one of you point me to the loo by chance?” Harry speaks up, sounding a little nervous.

Louis and Liam exchange a knowing look and then immediately break into laughter still looking at the other.

“Sorry.. sorry,” Liam finally gets out after a moment or two. “It’s just the last girl who worked here, the one who worked here for two weeks, asked that and then never came back.”

“Just completely ghosted,” Louis chimes in, still laughing a little. “Never heard from her again.”

“Right, ummm, I don’t plan on doing that I do just need to use the bathroom and I can’t remember which way Jack said it was and —“

“Sorry yeah, I’ll show you around again,” Liam says. “Jack’s sorta shit at the tours most times.”

Liam waves off Louis and tells him to get to work before heading off to give a wide eyed Harry a tour of the office, so Louis heads back to his desk and gets busy with the rest of his day, making phone calls, scheduling meetings and completing Skype interviews.

.&.

It’s about 2 p.m. when he finally makes his way over to Harry’s desk to talk to him about an upcoming project he needs photos and videos for.

Louis knocks lightly on the outside of Harry’s cubicle, clearly spooking the younger man it appears when he jumps ever so slightly.

“Sorry,” Louis says with a twinge of guilt on his face. “Should have announced meself first. You good mate?”

Harry runs a hand through his hair, clearly trying to pretend like Louis hadn’t indeed scared him.

“Oh no, no you’re alright. Was just trying to go through all of,” he pauses for a minute, looking like he’s thinking impossibly hard. “I’m sorry what was her name? The woman who retired before I got here? I’m— ”

“Carrie,” Louis cuts in quickly and sharply. “Her name is Carrie. Come on, man, if you’re gonna work here you gotta remember Carrie. She’s a legend around here. Can’t have her replacement forgetting her name on the first day.”

“Oh right, sorry,” Harry says quietly. “Today’s just been a bit overwhelming is all.”

Louis knows he should feel bad for snapping at the new kid like that, he really knows he should but he can’t quite say the words. Besides, who applies for a job without doing their research first? Harry should know all of these things already. Louis knows everything about every magazine he’s applied to in the last few months, granted that list might only include two publications and he hasn’t technically hit send on those applications yet because sometimes when he almost does he quickly closes the browsers and pretends he doesn’t exist. Because you can’t get rejected if you don’t try right?

But still, he knows enough to get through an interview and the first day if he had to.

Louis realizes he’s been quiet for a few moments too long by the uncomfortable look on Harry’s face, so he just shrugs a little.

“Well hopefully you won’t forget now.”

“Right, yeah. Definitely won’t forget going forward,” Harry replies hesitantly. “Ummm… anyways you came over here for some reason. So, what can I do for you?”

Louis nods and sits in the empty chair next to Harry’s desk.

“So, I’ve got an interview coming up later this week with a lad named Niall Horan, some Irish bloke whose been playing a lot at the college pubs near here. If you ask me, seems like a real pompous guy from the research I’ve done, but I’m interviewing him on Thursday morning, the place is sorta on the other side of London so it might take us a bit to get there. Anyway, and then we stay for his show on Thursday night to do a bit of an interview and profile on him if you will. And I need someone to shoot the pictures and the video, so clearly I need you,” Louis says, pointing to the sign that says “photography” next to Harry’s desk. “Has Jack explained how that all works to you yet?”

“Photography and video? I mean, come on Louis, I know I’m younger than Carrie and less experienced, but I know how photography and videography work. I don’t think Jack would have hired me if I didn’t.”

Oh. Louis bites his bottom lip, now he’s the one who looks a little sheepish.

“No, no, no. Shit, mate. I’m sorry. No I’m sure you’re great at that,” Louis says quickly, making sure to add the I’m sure because he really can’t be that sure that Harry’s anywhere nearly as talented as Carrie is. “I just meant, has Jack explained to you who our assignments work and how you work into them?”

“Oh, sorry. Yeah, he did. Said it’s a mixture of posed stills, behind the scenes shots and then stuff from the shows, plus anything else I think might be creative, yeah?”

Louis nods. “Exactly. Just sorta depends on what’s going on and the subject matter. This one will be pretty straight up with some stuff from the interview and then show shots and then the same thing with the video. You’ve got experience with that too?”

“Yep. Even though this is my second ever job out of uni, I’ve done a pretty wide variety of media before. So I’ve done a little bit of everything before I think I can handle it pretty well. Don’t have to worry about me screwing it up. So, Thursday morning we’ll head over? I think I heard you say something earlier about 10 a.m.?”

Louis nods again, Harry’s clearly trying to get out of the rest of the conversation and seems annoyed with Louis already. “Yeah, then we’ll be there all day following him around and stuff. Then we’ll go to the show and call it good. The piece isn’t due for another three weeks so you’ll have time to edit the photos and video and whatever else needs to be done and I’ll help you with anything you might need along those lines.”

Harry smiles tightly and nods. “Alright then we’ll see you on Thursday morning then. Thanks, Louis.”

Louis gets up from the chair and begins to walk away when he pauses, realizing what a dick he’s been to the lad so far.

“I think Liam and I and one of the writers are going to the pub after work to grab some dinner and watch a football match. You’re welcome to join us if you want, get to know the crew a little,” Louis offers.

“Thanks, I’ll think about it. I’m just trying to get settled into my new place and I’m a little tired, so I might skip this time but thanks for the offer,” Harry says, seeming sincere.

“Well it’s just down the street, called Toasted Joe’s, it’s a pretty chill place for the most part, good food. But I’ll see you around,” Louis says, hitting the side of Harry’s cubicle again before walking back over to his desk.

.&.

The rest of the day goes by mundanely. Louis finishes up a few sections of a different story and heads out to the pub a bit after 5 p.m.

The bar is just a short walk down the street from the magazine’s office, so Louis makes his way down the steps and out the front door of the office. It’s already getting a little dark and there is a chilly breeze in the air, but Louis doesn’t mind it. He prefers this kind of weather some days. It’s the type of weather that makes you walk a little faster to get inside but it’s just nice enough during the day time to sit in the park and read or think.

And while sitting on a park bench next to the falling leaves sounds like a more relaxing option right now, Louis knows he should probably be around people tonight. Now that the day is down, Louis can feel his mind working against him already like it typically does after he gets off work.

He’s normally fine during the working hours, keeping himself distracted with interviews and writing and talking to his officemates. He feels normal, he seems normal at work. But sometimes it feels like his mind flips a light switch when he clocks out and the thoughts he’s trained himself to keep at bay slowly start to pepper in.

Louis can feel that happening now. He reaches for the stone in his pocket and rubs it a few times, a habit he picked up some time ago to calm himself down when starts thinking too much.

“Oh shut up,” Louis grumbles quietly at himself. “I just want to get a burger and watch some footy, alright?”

Louis physically tries to shake away the thoughts, sighing heavily as he opens the door to the pub.

When he walks in, he’s grateful to see Liam and their coworker Lana have already arrived and have a table in front of one of the televisions, the game has already started and Liam already looks annoyed with his team.

“What you all down already?” Louis jokes as he sits down, amused at the eye roll he gets from Liam.

He orders a burger, fries and a beer when the waitress comes over and then the three of them talk about their day and their plans for the weekend. They get pretty far through their conversation, between all of Liam’s yelling at the game, when a nervous looking Harry walks through the door.

Louis gives Liam a look of surprise as he wasn’t exactly expecting Harry to show up after their conversation earlier, but he supposes it’s a good thing they didn’t scare Harry away this morning.

“Harry, over here,” Liam calls over, waving at the tall, lanky man, who waves back and comes to sit down at their table. He sits down across from Louis and next to Louis and gives a small smile as he takes off his coat.

“You showed up after all!” Louis says as he sips his beer.

“My mum was pretty insistent that I needed to make friends around here or at the very least get out of my apartment for a few hours, so I figured I’d see if you guys were still here,” Harry says, ordering a vodka cranberry and a chicken salad when the waitress came by again a short time later.

It’s a weird order, Louis thinks for a sports pub, but he just shrugs to himself, not giving it or Harry too much other thought.

“So, how was the first day? Did Liam and Louis annoy the shit out of you yet?” Lana asks with a laugh, earning an offended look from the two.

Harry chuckles lightly, running his fingers back through his brown curls to push his fringe out of his eyes.

“I think it went alright for the most part, sans a couple of blunders,” he says lightly, cringing slightly over at Louis.

Louis shakes his head lightly in a bit of an apology, still feeling a little bit bad for how he treated Harry today.

“You’ll be just fine,” he says. “The first week is always awkward as soon as you get through that you’ll be just fine.”

“Thanks, ‘preciate that. So please tell me everything I need to know about this part of London. I’m not from London and somehow after living here for three years I’m still very lost on this side of the city,” Harry says as he takes a drink of his vodka cranberry.

The question sends the table into a fit of laughter and then a long discussion about the best places to eat near by, when to leave to go places on certain days and of course where the best coffee place is. They learn that Harry’s place isn’t too far from work, within walking distance, especially during the nice summer months and they learn that Harry is absolute shit with directions. It’s a decent, first conversation type discussion and Louis is enjoying it, enjoying being around Lana and Liam and now Harry, but at some point the lively discussion quiets down and Louis starts to realize he hasn’t said much in awhile. It’s like Louis can feel his mind turning again and he hates it, quietly sticking his hand in his pocket to rub the worry stone and then stands up to go to the bathroom.

He does this often when they’re at the pub or just hanging out for awhile and Louis isn’t sure why. He doesn’t know if it’s anxiety — though he supposes he should see a professional if that’s the case — or if it’s just him getting in his own way, making things up in his head. But most times a trip to the bathroom to sit in a stall for a few moments does the trick to calm him down, sometimes he pulls his phone out while walking back to the table to “answer a call.”

No one is ever really on the line, Louis has just become quite good at having pretend conversations. He never strays too far from the table, just typically stands in the hallway like he’s talking to a friend from back home or his mum, just depends on the time of night.

So, while he wants today to be a most times, while he wants to just take a few minutes to relax in the bathroom, he quickly realizes this is a sometimes situation. As he walks back toward the table, Louis looks down at his phone and puts on a smile, pretending to answer the phone.

“Hey mum,” he says cheerfully to no one. “Wait hold on one sec, I’m out at the pub.” he says into the microphone and then moves the phone to his shoulder. “Be right back, gonna talk to mum,” he says to the table and Liam and Lana wave him off.

So he goes to stand in the hallway for a little bit, having the fake, one-way conversation loud enough and long enough to seem real. It quells the thoughts running through his head for a little bit, though he’s sure they’ll come back tonight.

He comes back to the table ten minutes later to laughs and cheer from Liam when his team score a goal.

“How was your mum?” Lana asks and Louis is quietly proud of himself for being so convincing.

“She’s good, getting ready to go on a work trip in the States so she was just checking in to see if there was anything I needed from her before she goes. She’ll be gone for a month so I’m going to go home for a couple weekends and take care of the house and the cat,” Louis says and it’s not really a lie. His mum is going on a work trip to the States for a month and he is going to take care of the house for a couple weekends, he just fails to say that she’s leaving next week and not the next few days.

“Where are you from, Louis?” Harry asks.

“Doncaster. Mum still lives there with my stepdad Dan. He’s going with her, which leaves me in charge of housesitting for a few days.”

Again, it’s not a lie, just a convenient way to tell the truth with fewer details. It’s always easier that way, Louis thinks to himself. After all, if you don’t give out too much information than people can’t get too close to you and then leave you or pretend they enjoy your company. So, Louis thrives off of telling people as few details about his life as he can, besides it’s not like anyone would care to know him like that anyways.

“Don’t you have any siblings or anyone else that can do that? Seems like an awfully long drive from her to Doncaster,” Harry replies and Louis shrugs.

“I’m an only child so they don’t really have a choice.” And that’s the truth, completely and totally.

Louis is thankful when Harry drops any further discussion about him or his family. They quickly change the subject to trashy television shows they’ve been watching recently and the movies they want to see in the next few months. Those are easy topics, Louis thinks to himself.

They decide to call it a night 45 minutes later after the football match and their drinks are long gone. They pay for their food and drinks and start getting ready to head back into the chilly London night. It’s a little after 10 p.m. by the time they walk out the door.

Knowing he was driving back, Louis drank water after his beer to be extra cautious and he’s glad for that. He’s not big on the taste of alcohol anyways. He says goodbye to the crew and starts to head off toward the office again when he hears Harry calling after him.

“Wait up! I’m heading that way too actually,” the younger man says.

So Louis waits a few moments for him to catch up before they start to make their way down the block again.

“Tonight was fun,” Harry says with a light grin. “It was nice to get to know everyone a little bit better, makes the first week a little less daunting.”

Louis gives Harry a genuine, smile. “Of course, mate. Glad you came out to hang with us. We do that most times when there’s a football game on or if everyone’s hungry after work. Everyone’s always invited.”

“Well thanks, I’ll have to join again sometime,” Harry says before stopping at the corner. “I’m down this way but I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“See you tomorrow, Harry. Have a good night! Don’t get lost,” he teases as Harry walks away. Louis makes another half block to get to his car and climbs in.

He sighs heavily as he turns the key and puts on the heat to warm up. He’s glad the night is over, glad he can just be alone again for the next 10 hours. His mind is already at work again, he knows. He tries to put the thoughts out of his mind, ignores them when he cross the bridge, pushes them away as he climbs the stairs up to his apartment.

He can tell he’s in for a long night of unexplainable feelings. He’s in for a night of sometimes.

—

He nearly trips over Xander when Louis finally gets into his apartment. The chunky cat has a habit of running to the door like a dog to greet Louis when he walks in every night or hell even when he’s coming back from taking out the trash. Sometimes he finds it endearing and adorable that his cat missed him so much, but this time Louis lets out a little huff when Xander walks back and forth between his legs while Louis makes his way through the kitchen.

“Xander, you gotta be careful, love. You’re going to trip and kill me then who’s suppose to feed you huh?”

Xander only meows loudly in response.

“Yeah, yeah. Okay, I’ll feed ya. Ya big loaf. Just let me take my shoes off. But for the record, you don’t see your brother being this demanding,” Louis mutters to the cat as he takes off his shoes and reaches into the box with the wet cat food that sits on his counter.

As soon as he opens the plastic container both cats meowing, no practically screaming at him to place it in their bowls. After a bit of teasing, Louis plops a serving into each bowl and tosses the container into the small “garbage bag” he has on the counter.

He takes a moment to look around his apartment and closes his eyes as if hoping to will the mess to go away. It’s not too bad altogether. Some paper sacks filled with garbage on the counter and one near the sink. The oven actually looks fairly alright and there’s only a few dishes that need to be done but he can’t quite find the energy most nights to do it. The couch has a basket of clean clothes on it from two weeks ago that he still hasn’t put away, in addition to one of the cushions being covered in cat hair because Milo has decided that’s his new favorite spot. The other, smaller couch has a few random things on it, a couple of jackets and some work papers on it. There’s a couple of boxes out too, ones that he convinced himself he put out for the cats to enjoy yet they haven’t touched them in weeks. And he needs to scoop the litter boxes, too.

When he finally opens his eyes a few moments later, he lets out a long, loud sigh.

“Litter box first. Then dishes,” he tells himself.

He meticulously cleans out the litter box, much to the cats’ pleasure clearly as Xander wanders over already getting in.

“I just—“ he starts to tell the cat, as if Xander could understand him and maybe argue back. “I’m sorry. I’m trying babes.”

Next he takes on the dishes, thankful that there aren’t too many and that they aren’t too gross with stuck on food or anything like that. This last weekend, on a particularly good hour, Louis made a spicy vodka sauce with chicken. The dish actually turned out quite well and it wasn’t too difficult to make either. He figures it’s one he can add into his dinner mix when he feels up to it.

Once the dishes are finished, Louis uses the last little bit of productive energy he can muster to put the paper trash bags into an actual, normal rubbish bag and runs that outside without bothering to put his shoes on. He feels a little accomplished, but mostly tired again.

He’s pretty sure that’s not how normal people live. He’s pretty sure that normal people don’t have to quickly do all of their household chores at once because they can’t find the will or care to do it typically, but that’s how he lives in his apartment. He lights a candle in the kitchen and then moves to his bedroom to lay down in bed, feeling relieved.

He knows he should do more, knows he should take a shower or brush his teeth, but he can do that later, he tells himself.

Instead, he spends hours going through random parts of social media. He watches random YouTube videos, reads through Twitter and scrolls through Instagram. He finds Harry’s page and scrolls through all of his professional photos for a few minutes and tries to decide if he finds any of them close to what Carrie did in the past. Some of Harry’s photos are quite impressive and nice and if Louis wasn’t so grumpy about Carrie leaving he’d probably really like Harry he knows. But for now this new guy represents change and Louis isn’t quite okay with that yet.

He gives Harry a follow though and likes the latest picture from today, signaling Harry’s first day at the magazine and writes a quick ‘glad you’re on the team’ comment and then closes out the app.

Louis is still stuck in thought, trying to figure out if there was something that set him off at the pub earlier when he decided to get up and have a smoke for a bit. He grabs his phone and a book and sits outdoors with his music playing softly. Louis listens to a mix of indie bands like The Head and the Heart and some artists he’s covered along with just instrumental themes from movies and television shows he likes. He doesn’t have the world’s greatest taste in music, especially for someone who writes about music, but he doesn’t care too much.

He’s nearly a full chapter into his book before he tosses it to the side, unable to focus on the text when he decides to open the notes app on his phone and type out his thoughts.

Louis doesn’t think of his notes app as a journal of sorts, though if someone were to scroll through the notes they might think that. Most of the notes are short and really only make sense in the moment. Like “Always left with the question.. what’s the point” he wrote a few weeks ago or “I don’t like myself. I don’t like my body. I don’t like my brain or my personality.” He wrote that one the day after his birthday last year. The day after Louis started questioning what was wrong with himself more. The day after Louis spent the entire day alone, crying uncontrollably for no real reason or at least not a reason he’s been able to come up with yet.

He opens a new note and types out, “I’m sorta confused why tonight was a bad night. It was fun. It was probably what I needed. I need to do that more often, I think. But I’m not sure how. New guy Harry is weird, probably hates me already, but I don’t really care.”

Next he opens an older note, probably one of the longest one he has. It’s simply titled: Sometimes.

It’s a bit of a list he keeps in some ways, a list of feelings and confusion and like some of his other notes, not all of it necessarily makes sense individually but Louis knows the list quite well. It’s his list for feelings and thoughts he doesn’t understand. It’s a list for the particularly difficult days or nights. It’s the list for a night like tonight.

He scrolls down a ways to get to the bottom. Scrolls past things like:

Sometimes I wonder why my mind doesn’t work the way I want it to.

Sometimes I wonder how so many people look so effortlessly happy.

He knows he’s at the bottom of the list when he reads “Sometimes.. sometimes.. sometimes..” and taps a line above it and writes, “Sometimes I wonder why I can go from happy and fine too overwhelmed in just moments.”

Louis closes the notes app and sets his phone next to him with another sigh as he lights a cigarette, smoking it slowly with his eyes closed.

He finally moves back inside an hour later and changes into a just a pair of boxers before climbing into bed, contorting his body around Xander. It’s already 2 a.m. but Louis can’t quite seem to fall asleep until 4 a.m. when his body finally overwhelms his head and shutdown.

.&.

Louis is, of course, exhausted when he wakes up three hours later. He lays in bed for another 15 minutes and curses when he realizes he hadn’t plugged in his charger last night so his phone battery is already at 45%. He plugs it in and puts on some music to slowly get dressed, but he doesn’t put much effort in today. He wears the same pants as yesterday and a grey long sleeve shirt and throws a beanie on his head. He manages to quickly brush his teeth and put on some deodorant before promptly leaving the house at 7:45 a.m., leaving him no time to grab a much needed tea on the way to the office.

Once at work, Louis just tries to push himself to make it to lunch. He repeats his normal routine of phone calls and writing and emails, but stays quiet otherwise and he’s grateful no one has come over to talk to him today.

When the time finally crosses 12:30 p.m. Louis figures he’s earned a lunch break. He heads across the street to a coffee shop and gets something small and a tea. And even though it’s still chilly out, he decides today is as good a day as any to eat on a park bench in the sun, besides the breeze and the tea might work together to wake him up fully.

He’s about halfway through his food when he sees Harry walking his way with a wave. Great, Louis thinks to himself. The last thing he wants is to talk to another human being right now.

“Aren’t you cold without a proper coat on?” Harry questions with a raised eyebrow.

And Louis just shrugs. “I’ll be alright. Not too bad out yet, I suppose.”

Harry just nods like he doesn’t believe Louis but doesn’t question it more. He’s holding his own mug and something that looks like a scone.

“Mind if I join you? Just needed to get out of the office for a bit. Jack has me doing all these training videos and they’re exhausting.”

Louis wants to say no, wants to tell Harry he’s not interested in chatting with anyone right now but instead he just nods and scoots over a little bit.

“Thanks. The place by the office makes pretty good scones,” Harry comments after taking a few bites, clearly trying to spark up some kind of conversation with Louis.

But it takes Louis a few extra moments to respond. He’s focusing on trying not to fall asleep and on not letting his mind slip back to last night.

“Oh yeah, we sometimes pick up stuff for the whole office there. Real nice folks,” Louis says a beat later.

“You alright? You look wrecked today,” Harry says after another moment or two.

“Oh yeah I’m good,” Louis lies easily. “Just tired from going out last night. I’m old don’t you know? Can’t miss my 10 p.m. bedtime anymore,” he jokes and that’s not an entire lie this time, he is tired from last night.

“You sure? Because you looked pretty spaced out to—“

“Yeah, yeah I’m sure. Just gotta get some more caffeine in me and I’ll be just fine. Missed my morning tea run so just started off the day sluggish I’ll be back to annoying the shit out of everyone soon once this is done.” Louis lifts up the large drink cup and takes a sip, giving Harry an enthusiastic grin.

He catches something like uncertainty on Harry’s face for a moment until Harry seems to accept the answer. “Well if you’re sure.” And Louis just nods “I’m sure.”

Louis is grateful Harry just accepts the answer and quietly goes back to eat his food and finishing his sandwich. They talk briefly about their interview in a few days, Harry gives some ideas about what shots to get and Louis just nods along, they’re fine ideas, fine but basic which will be just right for this piece.

“Well I’ve got to head back into the office now,” Louis says as he gets up, throwing the sandwich wrapper in the nearest trash can and then chugging the rest of his tea. “See ya later, Harry.”

Louis heads back down the street and back into the office to finish up the rest of his day.

He gets through a meeting and another project before he finally heads out.

He watches Netflix mindlessly that night and for the first time in a while falls asleep before midnight.

—

Louis is thankful when the next day is relatively uneventful. He works through lunch so he can leave a little early and spends the last remaining hours of sunlight walking in the park down the street from his apartment.

He gets into work a little bit later than normal on Thursday since he and Harry are working late.

He grabs all of the information and items he needs for the day, including his laptop, a pair of headphones and a granola bar for a snack.

When Harry gets in, Louis helps him organize all his equipment and gets it into Louis’ vehicle. They decided to take Louis’ car because Louis knows where he’s going and he honestly prefers to drive, it’s a good distraction and a way to help him focus.

Once they’re all set Louis plugs in his phone and turns on one of his playlists.

Louis hates the radio, hates the music on it. It’s all too shallow and grimy and he just prefers listening to the same old playlists over and over again.

“So, I think I’ve actually been to the pub were filming at today. Though, to be honest I can’t entirely remember. My boyfriend and I at the time wanted to hit up all the weird little bars in London and I guess this one wasn’t too far from one of his mates’ place so we went there one night and I got so drunk I tripped and fell dancing, hurt ankle and all, took two other people down in the process with me — I’m really not a graceful person most times. I get all wobbly and shit like a baby deer or something. But yeah so I ended up nearly breaking my ankle, nearly broke someone else’s arm and then a week later he dumped me. So we’re going back to a semi traumatizing place for me,” Harry laughs easily, as if it’s no big deal, something that’s so far behind him he can make fun of the situation and himself now.

Louis looks amused and a little confused. He shakes his head and fondly rolls his eyes a little bit.

“Well we won’t be getting that level of intoxicated tonight so hopefully we’ll get out of there without any broken bones.”

Harry scoffs a little bit, a smile still on his face. “So, now that I’ve shared that with you, please tell me you have an equally embarrassing story about one of your exes because I think I might die from the look you're giving me right now.”

Harry looks over at Louis with a pleading, but joking look.

Louis is silent for another few seconds. He hates any form of relationship conversation. Normally he’s just able to shake these kinds of things off, make up some random story and call it good but for whatever reason he’s caught a little off guard here.

These conversations leave him feeling awkward and sometimes a little sad, as if he’s missed out on something formative and life defining. He’s technically had his first kiss, if you count that one round of spin the bottle he played when he was 16, but Louis doesn’t really count it, not how he wants to at least. He’s never had a big, explosive, passionate relationship with anyone, never felt the kind of love he sees in television shows and in the movies. He’s never looked at anyone with want in his eyes. It’s all just a grey-colored bleakness without much meaning. Some days it drives Louis absolutely mad, some days to the point of tears and sometimes he just doesn’t care, but most times he just wants a taste of what he thinks is “normal.”

He realizes he’s been lost in thought for too long though when Harry pipes back in.

“Oh alright, fine I won’t make you spill this time,” he says still grinning a little.

“Actually, I’m uhh.. I’m what’s called asexual, I think. So, no relationships for me. I’m single, always been.”

The words just sort of just fall out of his mouth. He has no idea why he’s just shared this fact with Harry, when only a handful of people in the world even know. He’s never felt the need to share his sexuality, or lack there of, with the world but now he’s somehow told someone that’s effectively a stranger, a coworker he’s known for a whole three and a half days.

Louis regrets it until — “Oh okay. That’s fine. You know there’s always romantic attraction, yeah?”

Harry says it so casually, so matter of factly, that all Louis can really do is hum in response.

“Yeah, umm that’s true.”

It seems Harry senses that Louis doesn’t want to talk about the topic any further and changes the subject. He starts going on about another time he and his friends were at some festival and Harry nearly broke his arm.

Louis honestly can’t remember any of the story. He’s too lost in thought, thinking about the stories he doesn’t have to tell like Harry’s, thinking about all the moments he thinks university is supposed to be filled with that he missed out on because he wasn’t interested in one night stands or going to clubs to hit on girls or guys. But mostly, he thinks about Harry’s words. ‘there’s always romantic attraction.’ Louis had only ever told a handful of people he was ace but never had he had a reaction quite like that, something so simple and accepting as if Harry just got it and didn’t care. He didn’t need an explanation, didn’t ask Louis if he was sure — none of that, he just shrugged and reminded him that other forms of attraction existed.

Harry is still going on about the festival story when they arrive at the pub ten minutes later. Louis helps Harry carry in his camera equipment and gets everything set up, lights and audio and the whole works.

The interview itself goes well with this Niall guy and Louis ends up thinking he might have judged the lad a little too hard when watching his videos. He seemed like a genuine, nice person who had a passion for music and Ireland but had somehow ended up in odd part of London that was between a university and an older neighborhood.

After the interview, Harry grabs some photos and close up video of the singer and Louis just watches him carefully, noticing how his style is different from Carrie’s. Harry seems to have a more chaotic energy than Carrie and is trying new techniques he’s never seen Carrie use before and it makes him a little nervous but he somehow has faith that Harry’s photos will turn out better than alright.

Between the interviews and the show, Harry and Louis grab a light working lunch. Louis starts to transcribe his interview and Harry slowly starts to do an intake of his photos and video. The lunch is relatively quiet for the most part beyond Louis asking if Harry can understand what Niall said during a particular sentence and Harry showing Louis some particularly awful, but hilarious photos. But Louis is glad everything is quiet for the most part. He hates small talk anyways.

.&.

After the show Louis again helps Harry put away his equipment and gets it loaded into his car. They thank Niall and everyone else for their help and patience and then head out for the night.

It’s around 11 p.m. by the time they hit the road again, and Louis is hoping for a faster drive back to the office so he can get home a little sooner to the cats and his bed.

Harry is playing on his phone, not nearly as chatty when they made the drive this morning.

“You know, your boyfriend was a real dick for doing that to ya, you know that?” Louis says, filling the silence.

Harry gives him a confused look. “I’m sorry. What do you mean?”

“That boyfriend who dumped you after you got hurt. The one you were telling me about earlier. Seems like a prick to do that.”

Harry just shrugs in response. “He wasn’t too bad actually, just bad timing. We weren’t ever destined to be together forever. I think we both knew that. We both got what we wanted out of the relationship and it was fine. I don’t hate him for it.”

“Still, sort of a dick move though, leave ya after all of that.”

“We’d only been dating a few months then anyways I wasn’t super emotionally invested let’s just say and neither was he. We were both okay with that.”

Louis nods as if he understands but he knows he doesn’t. He doesn’t understanding sleeping around or just having a one night stand with someone you’ve just met at the bar. He doesn’t understand relationships without the emotions involved. He doesn’t get relationships just for sex without love. He definitely doesn’t judge anyone for it though. He doesn’t judge Harry for whatever relationship he had with his ex, just like he doesn’t judge a couple of his mates from way back in primary school who aren’t ready for full relationships yet and still just like having fun. Just because he doesn’t get it doesn’t mean he’s a prude. People have sex, Louis knows. He just doesn’t get why.

And sometimes Louis really wants to get it. Sometimes Louis wishes he was “normal” and wanted to have sex with someone. Sometimes he just wants to listen to the radio without having to worry about sex being thrown in his face every five seconds. Sometimes he wants to be comfortable with oversexualiztion of the world around him. Sometimes he wants the sloppy relationships and the hookups and everything else in between.

Sometimes he just doesn’t want to be asexual.

He knows that seems awful and selfish and that type of mentality is destructive to the asexual community — even if he doesn’t consider himself a part of it.

He knows that the world wants him to think that he’s broken, but sometimes he’s certain that he is.

Sometimes he’s certain that there’s something wrong with him, a character default or something with the way he thinks.

He’s been hit over the head with information that he’s not broken and that he is valid but Louis can’t stop himself from thinking the opposite sometimes.

He knows that right there — that unease, the not knowing himself totally and fully — that that’s probably part of the reason why he thinks and feels the way he does. He’s sure it’s all tangled together but Louis hasn’t even tried to untangle that web, wouldn’t even know where to begin if that truly were the case.

The thoughts linger there for the rest of the drive back to the office. It’s about 15 minutes shorter this time without all the people on the roads and he gets the timing just right with the lights.

If Harry notices Louis was deep in thought during the drive he doesn’t say anything about it. They get the equipment back into the office and then prepare to go their separate ways, Louis back to his car and Harry down the street to his apartment near by.

“Do you umm want a ride back to your place? I know you’ve said it’s close or whatever but I can give you a lift if you’d like?”

“Oh umm sure yeah that would actually be nice if it’s not a big deal?”

Louis nods for Harry to get back into the car and then listens to his directions. The place is only a few blocks away but he just wanted to ensure Harry got home safely.

He yawns as he tells Harry good night, barely catching the lad’s words to him.

“Not wanting sex doesn’t make you any less of a human being, Lou.”

The words hit him like a load of bricks and he nearly cries the rest of the drive home. He collapses onto his bed and spends the rest of the night thinking about Harry’s words and finally falls asleep around 3 a.m.


End file.
